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Zombie Bottle Opener

Whoever said that the only good undead is a dead undead never found themselves with an icy brew and no bottle opener. The Zombie Bottle Opener is the perfect thing – and perfectly gross.

19.95

via Amazon

Send more paramedics? Definitely no. Must have brains? Maybe, but only if you bring the beer and the Zombie Bottle Opener. This macabre kitchen tool and handy bottle popper proves that zombies can be useful. Let’s face it, if they can crack open a human skull, they sure can crack open the brewski.

No two Zombie Bottle Openers are the same, which is as it should be if you’ve ever taken the time to get a good look at your typical zombie horde as it approaches to devour your flesh. And the strangest thing is that none of them ever seem to have died a natural death, either.

Zombies are grotesque, unnatural, smelly, slow, and annoyingly persistent, particularly when they detect human brain activity. But they do come in handy from time to time.

Don’t have a gun to shoot them in the head and deactivate the beasts? Turn the tables on them anyway by using one of their comrades to open a few beers and work on decreasing your brain activity. With luck and enough beer, the rest of the bloodthirsty brood will never know you were there.

Zombie Bottle Openers were not reactivated by some rogue secret government experiment gone awry. They weren’t raised from the dead by alien emanations from a meteor, either.

They are, in fact, hand crafted and painted individually by warped local artisans and are made of sturdy urethane resin surrounding solid steel. The steel jaws of these monsters will make quick work of opening any soda and removing any bottle cap.